Dear Mr. Marketing Guy

I can't wait to see what new gems you might come up with this year! Just when I think you've produced your best masterpiece, you somehow find a way to outdo yourself.

But before you get busy, I'd like to set some ground rules for this new year. For starters:

1. If your ad contains the word FREE, I'm not interested

Look it up yourself! FREE means I walk into the store, pick it up, then silently walk away, without any obligation to deal with you ever again in my life. If I have to buy something else with it, it's NOT free. If I have to subscribe for something or pay any amount of money at any point in time, it's NOT free. If I must fill a form, a survey, give you my email, or in any other way divulge personal information, it's NOT free!

2. If it contains the word REBATE, forget it!

Really? I give you my money then you give it back to me? Well I have a better idea, I'll just save you the trouble and keep it in my pocket all along. We both know the only way this kind of deal would make any business sense is if you were banking on scamming me and keeping my money somehow someway. Is that maybe why the deal comes with five pages of fine print?? Speaking of fine print...

3. If anywhere in your ad you use a font smaller than size 12, or dull color that camouflages the text, count me out!

It's obviously bad news! why else would you make it so hard to read?? Your attempts to get me to sign a bad deal without breaking the law are commendable, but borderline pathetic.

4. If the price is contains a bunch of trailing nines, you just lost a customer

I'm a big boy and I can take it. Just tell me it's for $200. Try me. Say it: $200! calling it $199.9999999 is at best annoying, and at worst a deliberate attempt to hypnotize me into thinking one hundred something, when in fact I'm about to dish out two hundred dollars! I don't know about you, but I feel really sad when somebody like you deploys a scientifically backed mix of child-psychology and brain-washing to get me to buy a pack of gum! I'm really touched by your chivalry in saving me one cent over a $3,000 dollar sale, but no thanks...

5. If it auto-renews, you're thief and I'm calling the police!

Do I really need to elaborate on this one? The only reason why you'd ever renew it without my knowledge or permission is because you know it's crap, and that nobody in their right state of mind would ever ask for it again.

6. If you bad mouth the competition, I'm going with them out of spite!

Obviously your opinion about the other guy is biased, and therefore anything you tell me about them is complete garbage. Just tell me why you're good. I'll decide who's better myself!

Now that we got that out of the way, merry Christmas (By reading this letter you acknowledge that your soul, your house, and your firstborn are now and forever the sole property of Halim Abbas inc. all rights reserved) and a happy new year to you!